For the past few years I have subscribed to the Israeli English language newspaper Jerusalem Post .If you want a politically balanced ,morally infused ,Jewishly underpinned insight into the challenges confronting Israel today you can do little better. A year ago on the eve of the 50th anniversary of the outbreak of the Yom Kippur War ,October 6, 1973 ,the Jerusalem Post ran an article that asserted that the people of Israel can finally put aside their gut wrenching trauma and memory of war and once again focus on Yom Kippur’s central mitzvah of teshuva, repentance – acknowledging the pain and discomfort we may l have caused others, especially family and friends, apologising with a full heart and resolving to do better, to be better.
It will take much more than 50 years ,it will take generations for all Israel and much of Diaspora Jewry to process the violence of shock , the incandescent rage ,the searing pain ,the crushing fear and overwhelming vulnerability inflicted on Israel by the brutality and barbarity of Hamas 50 years later October 7, 2023 During her 76 years Israel has contributed to the world her manifold gifts and considerable genius in the fields of science ,medicine ,technology and culture.
Tragically during these past 12 months one of the busiest areas of Israeli activity has been the field of post trauma counselling, although I should really address it as present day trauma counselling. In so many ways the nation State of Israel has taught the world of nations how to live but during these past 12 months she has been forced to confront death, mourning on a national scale; death, bereavement -the neighbour next door, the manager of the super market up the road, a school friend’s parent(Chas v’chalila both parents),the teacher, the person next to whom one davened in shul. So many ,too many young Israelis have learned the facts of death before the facts of life .Many adult Israelis, these past twelve months, have said Amen in the Kaddish and the El Malei Rachamim more than in all their years prior to October 7 ;they have literally run from levaya to levaya-funeral to funeral, from shiva to shiva,sheloshim to sheloshim. Israelis have attended these gatherings of mourning in their hundreds, sometimes in their thousands .They know ,we all know ,that there are no choice words, there are no felicitous phrases in any dictionary or theology that can provide instant balm to the crushing pain of personal loss and bereavement, but in the presence of bereavement we know as Jews ,whether in peace or war,we have to make ourselves present ,we have to show up.The rabbis of old were wise enough to advise those seeking to console ,those engaging in the mitzvah of nichum aveilim,comfoting the mourned rs,not to initiate conversation but to console initially with a hand, an arm ,a hug. Why is it so important to show up to be present in the midst of friends in mourning? Our very presence is an affirmation and appreciation of the character and goodness of the person one is mourning and it also an expression of our sympathy ,our empathy for the family left behind .The great Israeli author ,Amos Oz z’l wrote in his memoir that even 30 years after his mother’s death he still remembered the names of all those who attended the shiva. Our presence ultimately our sympathy, empathy, hands and hugs are more eloquent ,more meaningful ,more helpful, than the most articulate words. It is important to show up ,to be present for aveilim, those mourning family lost ,and also those suffering crushing anxiety for the life, the wellbeing, the health of loved ones because it is unfair, unreasonable to expect family to be the only source of strength for each other. Nichum aveilim ,comforting mourners ,is not a DIY mitzvah.
.Very often family will understandably strain every sinew to protect each other from hurt, to minimise each other’s pain and in doing so each will suppress his /her own hurt ,pain in order to heal family around them and so a conspiracy of silence often takes place interrupted only by euphemisms or distractions of irrelevance .Herb Keinon ,the Diplomatic Correspondent of the Jerusalem Post ,shares an anecdote from his family emphasising how difficult it can be to confront and heal the pain and stress of those we love for fear of either doing or saying the wrong thing or fear of tearing open their or our own wounds. .Herb writes that one Friday night during the Gaza war he and his wife were lucky enough to have the family home for Shabbat -two sons were home from the Gaza front, a third from the Northern front and a son in law moving between the two fronts but ,around the Shabbat table, each engaged in linguistic acrobatics to avoid inflicting added stress and anxiety on the other -for example one son ,rather than saying he was joining his unit on Sunday that was about to enter Gaza, simply said for a few days he would not have a phone and therefore could not be reached; another said he also would be going into Gaza, to the safe part ,as if there is such a thing !This left all the family frustrated -parents who so much wanted to reassure their adult children on the front and the adult children who so much needed to be reassured by parents -all were left frustrated, literally hanging emotionally ,their deepest feelings of fear, anxiety, love unexpressed and suppressed. This is why friends need to show up, to be present for each other during periods of shiva or elevated anxiety. Very often within a family it is easy understandably for each mourner to be engulfed, overwhelmed ,in his /her own grief sometimes even oblivious to the depth of grief of their nearest and dearest. Herb Keinon again shares a heart wrenching anecdote emphasising just how easy it is to overlook the grief of those sharing even ones own home. Three months into the war his daughter in law ,mother of three sons aged 6,4 and nearly 2 phoned one morning to say that she had been crying with crippling anxiety for her husband on the Gaza front; her six-year-old had heard her crying during the night and in the morning he came into his mother’s bedroom to reassure her that in the event of something terrible overwhelming his dad he and his two brothers would look after their mother. Friends must show up ,must be present for those who are bereaved or suffering crushing anxiety because it is unfeeling, uncaring on our part to leave families entirely to themselves. As friends we must carry our antennae, our emotional antennae l to sense if and when bereaved friends want to talk or to listen ;for some the pain may be too severe, the wound too raw; however, for others there may be the awareness of the proverb that in life we die twice- once physically and second when we stop thinking and talking about our loved ones lost. Through thinking and talking about them we add even more meaning to their life and give even more life to their memory Maybe next year ,im yirtzeh Ha Shem,God willing,as we light our Yom Kippur Yizkor candles for family loved and lost in years past,or indeed on their yahrzeits we can gather family around the flickering yahrzeit flame and ask each to share just one memory ,one abiding memory ,of those loved ones and in doing so may we be reminded not only of the enormity of our loss , but also the enormity of their guidance, generosity, support ,example, their love while they lived and therefore how enormous ,how enduring, how soul nourishing, our blessing. For now and always ‘shaalu shelom Yerushalayim-Israel (Ps.122) -Pray for the peace of Jerusalem -Israel .For us,im Yirtzeh Ha-Shem ,’God willing,’ kotvaynu b’sefer ha- chayyim.’–God ,inscribe us (and those we love )in the Book of Life.
God, may these precious gifts, peace and life, life and peace your most precious gifts be our most precious blessings.
