It is lovely today to be celebrating so many things in our Torah service, from Sherry’s Phd, to Joel’s amazing achievement in being awarded Children In Need’s Young Fundraiser of the Year, and Manfred’s birthday! Mazal tov to you all! I’ve noticed over the years, that when it comes to celebrating Jewish weddings, there is a fascinating narrative that has developed, rooted in this week’s torah portion, about the custom prior to the wedding of a ‘bedeken’ – the veiling of the bride. The story typically goes that before a straight Jewish wedding, the groom checks he has the right bride – makes sure he is marrying Rachel and not Leah. In our portion Laban tricks Jacob into marrying his older daughter by veiling her so thickly that Jacob cannot know it is not the sister he has worked for 7 years to earn the hand of.
But this isn’t actually where Bedeken comes from! Having been layered up with this meaning it may be hard to untangle it, but it’s origins actually lie in the portion we read 2 weeks ago, where Abraham’s servant, Eliezer, goes off in search of a bride for Isaac. Rebecca is found, admired, and accompanied back to her future home. When Rebecca first sees Isaac she asks Eliezer who he is, and on having it confirmed that he is the master she has come to marry, she veils herself – a sign that she is choosing to set herself aside for this man alone.
These are two very different explanations for the same ritual. Rachel and Leah seem to be passive pawns, used as bargaining chips by their father. The other, of her own free will, chooses to publicly set herself aside for the man she will marry (and, we later discover, she deeply deceives him for the sake of one son over another). The story we tell most often, is the one where women are used, and veiled by their husband. The one that surprises people is the one where Rebecca has agency and veils herself. This Shabbat has been designated as Jewish Women’s Aid Shabbat, so while there is much to celebrate, including how much progress we have made in supporting women’s rights, it is also a moment to pause and reflect on what there is still to do. I was astonished to learn this week that 18% of all recorded crime in England and Wales is Domestic Abuse. 18%. 18 is a number in Judaism that symbolises life – making up the letters of the word chai – life. And Domestic abuse is, of course, often life changing.
Men and boys are also victims of domestic violence, but the Office for National Statistics confirms that it is an abuse which unequivocally impacts women and girls at a massively higher rate1 . Having seen how Jewish Women’s Aid have supported friends and congregants over the years I can testify first hand to the amazing support they offer. But today, November 25th, is also The International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women. I don’t think anyone would disagree that the world we want to create together is one that eliminates violence against anyone, but the statistics make it clear that this needs to begin with violence against women and girls. And this includes violence against trans women. This week (November 19th) was Trans day of remembrance, when we recall that trans men and women are 4 times more likely to be victims of violence.
Knowing there is a safe space to turn to, which we and most Jewish institutions advertise on the back of the toilet doors, is a good step forward. But clearly more is needed if we are to change the stark reality the statistics tell. And I wonder if some of the answer lies in Rebecca’s agency, as opposed to the objectification we observe of Leah and Rachel. At the beginning of the parashah (which our triennial reading will bring us back to next year) we read about Jacob’s dream, with angels going up and down the ladder. We need to move beyond dreaming about angels, and find ways to ensure there are plenty of angels here on earth to challenge the violence, as well as offering safety and support.
Last weekend was International Men’s Day. This was created in response to International Women’s Day by those who wished to downplay the need for women to be protected and championed in ways that are unique and still needed. Because it was international Men’s Day, I was asked by Trisha Goddard on Talk TV what I would say to my son to honour the day. And I answered that I would say to him exactly what I would say to my daughter. Be the fullest and best version of all that you are. We are all created unique, and have something special that only we can contribute to the world. Regardless of the gender of your body, we are all individuals, and we need to fully embrace and celebrate all that we can be. If you limit what 50% of the population can do professionally or at home, you are missing out on 50% of the talent.
It occurred to me afterwards that this idea is actually embedded in an important Hebrew word. The word Shalom, so frequently used, has at its root the letter shin, lamed, mem. This is also the root of shalem – the Hebrew word for whole. In order to find peace as individuals, we need to be our whole selves. We need to be able to celebrate and inhabit the wholeness and goodness of who we are. When we can’t do this, we can become twisted, sadder, smaller versions of ourselves.
There is a midrash2 that suggests that the switching of Leah for Rachel wasn’t quite as awful for the sisters as one might imagine. The suggestion is that Rachel wanted to make sure Leah wasn’t left abandoned and alone, so she was part of the trick played on Jacob. Yes this comes out of a system so embedded in patriarchy that the women’s destiny was entirely tied up with marriage and children. But it allows for Rachel and Leah to begin their married lives with some agency, and with care for one another. Wholeness, agency, and care for one another. Perhaps this is our prayer for Jewish Women’s Aid Shabbat. May we all be blessed with wholeness, agency and care. We have needed these more in the last weeks as a community than ever before, but we all need it as individuals too, and we need to be able to offer it where it is needed.
May we be able to receive and to give from our own wholeness, to act with agency, and to be the care that one another needs. Cain Yehi Ratzon, may this be God’s will, venomar, Amen.
